Thursday, April 8, 2010

The lonely son of a bitch

Ugliness is all in your mind, he kept telling himself. What you think to be ugly is perhaps beautiful to someone else. That is, after all, natural. These differences in perception are what goes into making us truly human. But it's okay to think something or someone ugly; you're only doing what comes naturally. You're not treating the person any differently after labeling him so. That, he also told himself, must surely count for something.

All around him were people whom he could barely relate to. But he knew that for the next few years, he would be spending time with them, getting to know them better and he might as well make good use of this time and immerse himself in all the kinds of ugly there is in this world. For, again he told himself, there surely was all sorts of people gathered here, ready to learn and perhaps, later, transform that into something beautiful, or kill it and pursue something else entirely.

He quickly scanned the front row. All average, all extremely artificial in how they dress. All of them, he noted, simply reek of mediocrity. But its alright. Its quite alright. There isn't any need for sudden bouts of natural disgust. You don't know almost anybody, and already you're marking off people, ticking off one after the other. This has become a hobby. This is wrong. He shook his head silently and reprimanded himself mentally.

And then, suddenly he stops fighting and lets all of that go and realizes that he really is the best, most balanced person in the entire room. There's no use thinking otherwise. He isn't smiling and overreacting at every funny word. He isn't looking to please the next guy or girl he sees that he likes and would like as a friend. He isn't especially keen on going out of his way to help lost and confused souls who are too shy to ask for any assistance in the first place and sit smiling to themselves wryly, all alone. Why, he isn't remotely like any of them, and the sweeping generalizations he's been making till now suddenly feel justified. A feeling comes over him and he lets it hang on for a little while longer before letting it dissipate. I'm nowhere new. And for the first time, he smiles that well known, time-worn cruel smile of his.

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